Cooking Through the Stages of Grief: A Hopefully Healing Culinary Journey
Unless you are researching death and dying for the very first time, you probably are familiar with the Kübler-Ross concept of grief and its various stages (commonly known as : denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). Introduced to the world in the 1969 book On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the Kübler-Ross model (sometimes called the DABDA model) surmises that there are sequential stages of various emotions that a patient goes through when diagnosed with a terminal illness, starting with denial and ending with acceptance. Arguably the most popular theory for processing grief, it became diluted down to a place where it was used to explain the grief experienced by those diagnosed with diseases like COPD or HIV, to the grief experienced by caregivers of those with dementia; patients who have amputations due to diabetes; doctors who receive low patient satisfaction scores or go through reduced resident work hours. So essentially, anything stressful or life changing. Only, here’s the thing. What if we got it all wrong? What if the Five Stages of Grief, even when used in a well meaning matter, actually just complicates things more?
How it All Started
During her time as a psychiatry resident in New York, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross noticed the lack of attention given to terminally ill patients by hospital staff and the limited medical understanding of the psychological challenges these patients faced. Throughout her medical career, she worked extensively with terminally ill patients and continued to study and teach about these topics when she became a professor at the Pritzker School of Medicine.
Drawing from her experiences, Kübler-Ross developed the well-known DABDA model, which was based on her interactions with "over two hundred dying patients." However, it's important to note that this model was originally intended to describe the experiences of individuals facing death, not those of grieving loved ones. Over time, it has been mistakenly applied to the bereaved.
It's crucial to recognize that the Kübler-Ross model was not initially founded on empirical or systematic research but rather on "conversations with dying patients" and case studies. Despite its widespread use, it was never intended as a universal framework for grief.
The Research
Since the release of "On Death and Dying," a number of studies have sought to empirically test the validity of the stage theory of grief, with most of them finding it to be deficient. One study from 1981 examined 193 widowed individuals who had experienced various durations of widowhood. Their findings indicated that "the stresses of widowhood persist for years after the spouse's death" and did not support the idea of distinct stages of adaptation. Another study conducted by Bonnano in 2002 analyzed 205 individuals before and after their spouses' deaths, revealing that only 11% followed the presumed "normal" grief trajectory.
While some studies have appeared to support the existence of a stage theory of grief, many of these studies have faced significant methodological issues. For instance, a 2007 study that investigated 233 bereaved individuals received criticism for its design and findings. Furthermore, the authors themselves later suggested the need for reevaluating and redefining the stages of grief, casting doubt on their initial conclusions.
If It Validates Grief then What’s the Big Deal?
Well here’s the thing. If we are taught that there are five stages to accepting a death and that even if they don’t have to be linear, and even if you don’t have to experience them all, we are still saying that this is essentially how your grief should work itself out. And for those that feel they followed those emotions more or less, well, that’s great! But what happens if you don’t? What happens if in the midst of losing your husband, or your child, or your parent, you are also dealing with the fact that you feel you are not grieving “right”? Humans are “pattern-seeking, storytelling primates trying to make sense of an often chaotic and unpredictable world,” and when we are prescribed a theory that is not scientifically proven and told that it’s fact-well-it can compound and create even more complicated grief for us to deal with. I don’t know about you but when I am in the depths of depression I am not thinking in any positive upbeat or even rational (at times) manner. The last thing I need is to know that I am not even doing ‘sad’ right.
Ok, So Now What?
I get it. Taking away a roadmap for grief can be scary. But that is what life ‘is’. Life is scary. Life is complicated. Life is meant to be lived, but we are also meant to die. And it’s totally ok to be angry about that. It’s perfectly fine to feel rage. To want to scream and beat your hands against a wall until you have splintered into the millions of fibers that create your being. Even the people who have answers, don’t really have answers. But I can tell you this. You never forget the people you love. And it never stops hurting. Loss is indeed a deeply serrated wound. And when we are cut, we heal, but the skin is never the same. Different wounds heal differently. Our skin wraps and creeps, it stretchs across the emptiness laid bare. And it finds a way to connect us and make us whole. But you will always be different. And that’s what makes you, you. And it’s up to you to choose how you wear those scars. It’s up to you to choose what salve you offer others when they get hurt.
And here’s the other thing about grief. If I am wrong and these words don’t resonate with you, that’s ok. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Let me say that again. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is only what keeps you healthy and safe, and in a place to hopefully receive kindness and love from others.
Wait isn’t this a cooking site?
Yeah man hold your horses, I’m getting there. So if you wanna know what my solution to grief is, its food. Heck it’s kinda how all this got started. I’m not really an emotional, journal and talk it out kinda person. I’m definitely a sleep in bed until the world disappears, or I do first kinda girl. And that’s where cooking comes in. Like Kübler-Ross I also did a small scale study of grief and I found that the thing that brought people joy was food. Whether it was talking about the food their loved ones made, or that they shared, or even just connecting over food, my 5 stage grief theory revolved around cooking and eating.
So as an homage to where we have come from on our journey through death education and where we are headed, I present to you a culinary menu meant to inspire your own cooking and grief journey. Or hey, just treat it as simple as the idea of cooking for whatever “mood” you’re in.
Denial : Simple Comfort Food
When you’re feeling kinda down in the dumps nothing feels better than something warm, cheesy, sweet, salty, or if you’re feeling brave, all of the above. Here are a few of my favorite things to eat when all I wanna do is watch T.V. and hug Dennis (my cat).
Anger: Fiery Spiced Dish
If I wanna break outta the boring everyday meal and switch things up, these are some amazing go-to’s. They are a bit labor intensive so never underestimate the power of lazily frying rice and adding hot sauce and then calling it a day.
Bargaining: Meditative Baking (Punching Dough is Gonna Feel Great)
There are some amazing pieces of writing on the internet that center around the term “meditative baking”. It was honestly quite validating writing this portion because I knew I wasn’t alone in realizing that there is something so visceral and amazing about baking. It forces you to be present and precise. You also get a chance to use your hands and play with dough (depending on the recipe). Below is a variety of tossing things in a bowl and baking to braiding dough activities.
Depression: Nourishing Comfort Bowl
Comfort bowls strike a great balance between lazy day comfort food and attempting to eat healthy. I snagged you a variety of recipes, but it’s a pretty trendy search term so if you hate these, I promise there are more.
Acceptance: Reconnecting with Food
I had to think about this last category. I picture a lot of fresh and simple farmers market type food. Something that reminds you of what food is supposed to look and taste like. Something that makes you remember that like the veggies you are eating, you too, come from the ground.